aww...

i found dis on sumones blog. its super touching n sweet! sobs...
(WARNING: it is an uber long story)

A True Story : COFFEE BUTTERFLY

I met her on the net. How? I can't remember.

But it seems to me that it is this 'little' theory which I have came up with in the cyberspace that caught her attention : If I have a million dollars, I would buy a house. Do I have a million? No. That's why I don't have a house. If I have wings, I can fly. Do I have wings? No. So I can never fly. If all the waters are drawn out of the Pacific Ocean, it still can't put off the flame of love between us. Can all the waters of Pacific Ocean be drawn off? No. That's why I don't love you.

That's me, a typical science student. First you come up with an assumption, then you fit a suitable conclusion. If you proposed an assumption that doesn't stand at all, then everything else is just plain nonsense. I guess this is what people call 'unromantic'.

But she is an exception. She actually emailed me and said that I am an 'interesting' person. 'Interesting'? What a word to use on me, it's like using 'faithful' on Mr Clinton. I thought this girl must be a low-IQ organism, or is suffering from serious brain damage.

Anyway, her nickname doesn't seem so bad -FLYNDANCE- which is quite unique. But I warned myself : Hello, this is the virtual world of Internet. Who knows what is lurking behind the beautiful nickname? Speaking from experience, most of the time it will be a 'dinosaur' in disguise. The only difference is whether it is a carnivore or a herbivore. But, I felt that she is different from a 'dinosaur', and she is special.....

Ever since she emailed to tell me that I am 'interesting', I always hoped to meet her in AJCRR. But too bad, Lady Luck wasn't on my side. So I can only reply her email by telling her that I will start training myself to become an 'interesting' person, just to show her that she is far-sighted.

She replied my reply, I replied her reply to my reply, she again replied my reply to her reply, etc. Oh no, I just started a chain-reaction. Actually what interests me most is one of the paragraphs she wrote in one of her emails...

'I dance swiftly, amidst the crowd. Your glance on me be it surprise, be it admiration, it ain't going to stop my rhythm. Because it's not your glance that made me dance, it's the heart of my youth.'

I simply cannot relate this girl to any of the 'dinosaurs'. But if she really is a dinosaur, I am willing to let her have her fill.

Tye, my best pal unfortunately, noticed my little affair with FlyNDance, and has been perpetually warning me about this.

"HELLO! You don't even know what she looks like, why take the risk? Maybe 'she' is a guy!"
I can't blame Tye for his sceptism. Ever since he was dumped by Sarah in Secondary 4, he has become a reknowned 'playboy'. As the saying goes : "Once bitten, twice shy". In this case, after Tye was bitten, he has mastered the art of skinning snakes alive, and even in making them into soup. He has all the factors of a playboy, and I always think he is the 19 year-old version of Brad Pitt. Tall, handsome and got this tongue that causes diabetes on every girl he targets. I don't think he can even remember how many girlfriends he has had.
I went online that night, logged into channel AJCRR and yes! She is there. Before I can get over the surprise and daze, she sent me a message.

"Hey Slorr, so late liao haven't sleep ah?"

Now what? Now what? Ok ok, I had to calm down first. I swallowed hard on my saliva, took a few deep breaths. Tye is no where to be found when I needed him most at this crucial moment, to instruct me what to say to her. How am I going to attract her with my pathetic humor, which has gone stale?

"Slorr Slorr, me in a foul mood today. Can't sleep, you leh?"

MOTHER'S (direct translation to Chinese), what Slorr Slorr?! Now when I read it, I begin to feel disgusted at that nickname Tye gave me. Tye said that : "Who knows, it might attract some innocent girl in talking to you."

"I am not feeling very good too. So let's be sad together."

I finally squeezed a sentence out, already feeling droplets of sweat forming on my forehead. Actually I am not in a bad mood, I just wanna follow up her topic that's all.

And if she asked for the reason for me feeling down, I can say : "Since you are feeling down, how can I ever be happy?" I know this sounds mushy, but Tye said : "MUSHINESS IS THE FUNDAMENTAL TO ALL COURTSHIPS". And gals are a weird species, they trust their ears far more than their eyes. So instead of doing 10 things to impress her, why not just say a sentence to move her?

"Ok, but you haven't greet me leh."

DANGIT! How can I forget simple manners towards girls? To think they call me 'MR COURTEOUS' back in school. If this ever get leaks out, I will lose all my female fans.

"Nice to meet you, Miss Long-hair."

I've been wishing that she's keeping long hair. Tye said that : "FlyNDance... Hmm... She would either be long-haired or a desperado, 'cause when gals dance, only 2 parts of them fly : hair and skirt. So if she doesn't have long hair, that means her skirt flies when she dances, AH-HA!!!... This has a certain sexual hint to it you know? Haha..."

"Eh? How do you know that I have long hair?"

BINGO! Heaven is on my side this time. It goes to prove that she is not a DESPERADO. Yes!

"Not only that, I also know you seldom wear skirts."

I increased my stake. And if I am correct again this time, peace on earth forever.

"Errr... I guess you are right lorh. But how do you know that?"

"Just by guessing."

"Ok lorh. Hey Slorr, tell you what, I'm tired liao, you coming online tomorrow morning?"

"Ya, why?"

"Please please please say that you're coming online, if not I am going to kill myself for letting you go tonight. I'll talk to you tomorrow at 10 a.m. then. Good night."

"Er... Should be today at 10 a.m. Ok... Good night to you too."

I just blurted out that last sentence. Offline. Suddenly I was so impressed by my performance just now. But is the season of spring really arriving for me? I wish....................

"Slorr, what a coincidence!"

"Yeh, I am not late."

"Ya lorh, so qiao."

Girls are weird, I thought we already had an agreement, why do they have to pretend that it's not? They must have watched too many movies, and like to think that guys they meet due to the thing called 'fate' is the best thing that can happen to their love life.

"Slorr, you talking nonsense lah."

"NONSENSE? Ok, let me tell you what is nonsense. Summer's beach, the guy must be good at running, with broad shoulders, dark complexion with a tint of redness, sparkling eyes and loud laughter. Then he will call out loud the girl's name, running towards her, then carry her and spin 3 rounds anti-clockwisely."

"Slorr, you siao liao ahhh?"

"I siao? Ok, let's change the location then. Deep in the mountains, the guy must have long hair, gotta have the look of an artist, carries a sketching stand, a few pieces of drawings, and you can see birds flying over at his side admiring his work. And there will be a girl who is the model, most probably naked."

"Slorr, but all these are very romantic what."

"ROMANTIC? Hello miss, romance only survive in novels and movies. In real life, the guy on the beach may step onto broken glass or the girl may be too heavy for him, which causes his arm muscles to tear. Birds may just clear their waste on top of the guy in the mountains, or he might get a trashing from the girl because he commented on the excess fats around herwaist and hips."

"Slorr, you hate romance?"

"I hate romance? Nope, I am just using my knowledge of statistics to get a deduction."

"Slorr? Objection overruled..."

I think I am really outstandingly bo liao, talking to her about these until noon.

"Slorr, are you hungry?"

"Ya, you leh?"

"Yes, guess it's time for lunch."

"Then do you think we should?"

"Slorr, I am just asking. I don't intend to have lunch with you."

"Ok, good. I am not romantic, neither are you."

I had lunch with Tye, and we talked about the conversation with FlyNDance earlier that morning.

"You moron! Told her you are not romantic; you siao ah?! You have disgraced me man! How can you make such a big mistake?!"

"I... I..."

Tye grabbed a chicken wing with a pair of chopsticks, and I can see the trembling of his hand and the wing.

"There are 3 'don'ts' in chasing a girl : one, don't forget to be romantic; two, don't be too honest; three, don't be too stingy on the sugar in your speech. In mandarin, we say 'nan ren bu huai, nu ren bu ai', don't you know this?!"

"This I know, but it has been controversial topic over centuries. Women aren't really that, cheap."

"So why would they only fall for 'bad guys' like me? That's because 'bad guys' are usually romantic. Those 'nice guys' are usually, dumdums. So girls would rather choose a romantic 'bad guy' like me rather than any of those dumdums. In math we call this 2C1, understand?! Dumdum!"

Oh, Tye is talking about math! Now I understand. No wonder I have always been left on the shelf.

"In other words, gals wouldn't mind if you are not tall, if you are not handsome. They can bear with your inconsiderate acts, can forget your stupidity. But they can never forgive if you are not romantic!"

"Come on, this is way exaggerated."

"Hey, most women have a 'knot' for romance, just like most men have a 'knot' for virginity. To women, they just can't understand how precious the thin layer of membrane is to men. Same thing, men can't figure out how important women treats romance."

"This is bullcrap! How come I've never heard of that?"

"The key word here is 'knot'. If you can untie it, fine. But how many have actually succeeded in that? Practically none!"

"Ok, fine. Now what should I do to remedy the situation?"

"Face it, it's hopeless already. I promise I'll have a drink with you when you and her are over."

You *** ** * *****.

Midnight. Trying to concentrate on my Physics notes. F=ma, v=a=at, etc. It's really a wonder that nature can be explained by just a few formulas and equations, and this is what we call Science. Why is Astrology and Palmistry then labeled as superstitions? Science should only be one of the ways to explain the truth, and what can't be explained by Science doesn't necessarilyy mean that it's unreal.
Close to 1 a.m. Since I can't get anything into my head, I shall try my luck on the net then; maybe she is there.

"Slorr, you’re here."

"Finally, good night to you."

'FINALLY'? Strange word for me to use here. What is she doing here at this hour? Must be feeling down again.

"Yes, it is fate that brought me to you this moment."

I am trying very hard to convince her that I am a bit romantic.

"Slorr, nothing to do with fate. I waited for you for one hour liao..."

"Sure or not? What for?"

"Talk to you marh or else I can't sleep."

"Are you ill? Go see a doctor larh."

"Slorr, let's continue our topic. What do you think of relationships that begin from the Internet?"

Omigawd, how should I answer her now?

"It's... it's very... romantic..."

Indeed I am not a good liar, even my words are shaking now.

"Slorr, you are bluffing. You are not romantic one what."

GAME OVER. I am finished! No choice but to drink with Tye.

"Slorr, you lagging? Or just daoing me?"

"No, I am wondering why is the sky so chio tonight."

"No no no. Don't try to shift the topic, Slorr."

Sigh. I give up. I asked for it myself.

"Actually I think relationships starting from the cyberspace are considered to be ROMANTIC, 'cause romance gives people an impression of unreal, and cyberspace is virtual."

"Slorr, that's interesting."

"Surfers keep a safe distance from one another, and usually 3 types of people are produced from this. The first type are those who present themselves on the net with their secondary personality. Usually all of us have multiple personalities and in everyday life, what we present to the world is the 'primary personality', with the secondary one being suppresed. Maybe we don't even realise this other trait of us deep inside. So the Internet is the place where this other side of us is revealed, either intentionally or without conscious knowledge."

"Is it true? What about the 2nd type?"

"The 2nd type are those who will transform themselves into the kind of man/woman he/she would want to be. There's bound to be 1 or 2 characteristics that you particularly admire, but too bad, sometimes these characteristics just can't be found in you. The cyberspace is then the perfect location for this transformation to occur."

"Slorr, you 'blowing cow', is it? Type 3 lerh?"

"I am not blowing cow, I read it from an article in the TIMES magazine! Type 3 will be those who transform themselves into characters which are impossible for them to become in real life. For example, if you are a girl, you may act as a man on the net. You may even become BATMAN or SUPERMAN if you want."

"Hmm... That's pretty amazing."

"The first type is the 'faithful' type, 'cause it's his own personality that is presented on the net. The 2nd type is the 'foolish' type, 'cause he knows only how to admire others and always forget his own strong points. The 3rd type is the 'pathetic' type, 'cause he is wishing for something impossible."

"Slorr, then you belong to what type? Me leh?"

"I don't wish to believe you are type 3, 'cause I am not. I crossed out the possibility of type 1 too 'cause it's too common, and I like to think that you are special. Being able to attract you as well, I think I am at least a bit special. So we belong to type 2."

"Type 2, then who do you wish to become?"

"I certainly would like to become a person like Tye, humorous, romantic and eloquent, 'cause these are what I am lacking in."

"Slorr, what about me?"

"You? I don't know. You want to FLY and DANCE, probably that means you wish to fully enjoy your youth while you can. But if this is something you wish yet can't achieve, then there's 2 possibilities: 1, you are aging, 2, you are leaving the world."

I think I said something wrong, because she didn't send me anymore messages after this. I began to blame myself for being so dumb, why talk about these things?

I should have discussed with her whether ZOE TAY or FANN WONG should be the Queen of Caldecott Hill. Dang that TIMES magazine! Poisons my mind. But maybe she's lagging. So I waited, and waited. It was just a few minutes, but it felt like several hours. I wanted to apologise, but do not know how to start, until she sent me this message:
"Slorr... Let's meet..."

Without hesitation, I used the hand that I had used over 18 years to wipe my arse and typed 'O-K'.
I am supposed to meet FlyNDance tonight, 8pm, at the entrance of the McDonalds beside YMCA. That's the best time and place to meet a girl you have never met before, according to Tye, because they would have taken their dinner by that time, which means we can just go inside the Mac and have some fries and coke. She will be wearing a whole set of coffee-coloured attire and I will be wearing my usual blue; this is our way of identification. She told me she is not one of those 'cute gals' I may think she is, so I said that I am not Tom Cruise either.

"Slorr, you are early."

While I was idling, a girl tapped my shoulders from my back. Although I was mentally prepared for any possible thing that's going to appear in front of me, I was still astonished by this girl who stood in front of me now. If not for the coffee theme and that 'Slorr', I would think she is only asking for directions. She is one of those 'chio bu' that can only be found on Orchard Road, which I usually see while crossing the road.

"Had your dinner right? I think we shall go inside the Mac first."

"You pretty smart huh? A good way to save money indeed."

AIYA! She knows me so well; I can only give her an innocent smile back. Since she's so pretty, I ordered two LARGE cokes, and even ordered TWO packets of fries.

"This time you treat, next time I'll let you treat."

I am not falling for that, miss. But I am glad she mentioned 'next time'.

"Slorr, are you dissappointed when you saw me just now?"

DISSAPPOINTED? Are you drunk?

"Why do you think I will be dissappointed then?"

"'Cause I told you I am not cute marh, so you must be quite disappointed when you saw me."

She is making zero-sense, but I knew she is just trying to hint that she's actually cute.

"Then why did you have to lie that you are not cute?"

"Slorr, I said I am not cute. I didn't say I am not pretty."

!@#$%^&*&^%$#@!

"But you are also quite decent-looking, which is not like what you described to me too."

'DECENT'? A very vague word. To many girls, decent = boring. One good thing is that she didn't lie to me about the fact that she has long hair. She also has a fair complexion which reminds me of the HL milk I take almost every day.

It is now only that I found out she is from ACJC, but had spend her first 3 months in AJ. Sitting in front of each other, we talked about many things, from her obsession with coffee to my hobby of watching movies. By the way, she had completely shaken off my misconception of 'if she is pretty, she is brainless'. She is an attractive girl, both physically and character-wise, talking, smiling to me, occasionally being a little sarcastic and nasty. It's like a dream.
We left Mac at around 10pm. Since it's still early, I decided to send her home and fortunately, it's just Ang Mo Kio, two MRT stops from mine. I would have second thoughts if she's staying at Pasir Ris.

"Slorr, congratulations! You are officially permitted to date me from now on." She said this before the lift door closed.

Back at home, I realized that I hadn't asked for her real name. Maybe it's the influence of that stiwpid Tye. Tye told me: Never ask a pretty girl her name the first time you meet her, 'cause there are already too many wolves out there dying to know, so she will be more interested in you if you act bochap. Then why didn't she ask for mine? Don't tell me there's a female version of Tye telling her not to?
It's again 1 a.m. Time to meet her in AJCRR.

"Hi! Slorr you tired?"

Of course I am tired after all the surprises she gave me; I would've gone straight to bed if not for her. But why is she here too? Isn't she tired as well?

"Long time no see how are you?"

"Slorr you siao ah? 2 hours only leh. Miss me?"

"A) Yes B) Of Course C) Abuden D) Dying to see you E) All of above. Answer is E."

Seems like she is really tired, even the smiling emoticon is yawning at me now.

"You wanna go for a movie tomorrow?"

Maybe I should ask her now, while she is half asleep, hoping that she will blurly click 'OK'.

"Should be no problem. What show?"

HOOOOORAY!!! I am cheering for her fatigue.

"We decide what show tomorrow. Anyway what's important is who I’m watching with. Not the show."

Tye's favourite line, I am just borrowing it.

"You should go sleep now larh."

"Wait a little while. You haven't tell me whether you are tired or not."

"Ok larh, a bit. You leh?"

"I am exhausted but have to say goodnight to you first, if not I can't sleep."

"Me too."

I can't believe I am doing this SILLY business right now.

"OK I tell you what. I count 1, 2, 3. Then we log off together."

"OK goodnight Slorr."

"Same to you."

"1..."

"2..."

"3..."

I never talk whenever I am inside a cinema, and now is the best time for my mouth to rest, so I spent the following 3 hours admiring this much-talked-about movie of the century, Titanic. I am not a romantic person, so it's perfectly understandable if I can't really appreciate this motion picture fully, except for all those stunning special effects. But something struck me when Jack said to Rose before he sank into the deep ocean.....

"Rose, listen to me... listen... winning that ticket was the best thing that happened to me... it brought me to you... and I am thankful, Rose... I am thankful..."

Suddenly I felt very much more fortunate than Jack, because I don't have to risk my life in boarding the Titanic, all I have to do is switch on my PC every night. But he's one lucky guy too, because he knows how to draw, and just looking at how slowly he was drawing Rose made me blame myself for the lack of that talent. But to her, this movie wasn't about drawings or special effects. I noticed the packet of tissue paper she was holding in her hand. And just when Rose said: "I promise... I will never let go, Jack... I'll never let go...", she opened up her sling bag and here comes the reserve handkerchief.
Dang that Celine Dion, why on earth did she had to sing that "MY HEART WILL GO ON" at the end of the show? For all the female species inside the theatre, it's like "MY TEARS WILL ALSO GO ON".

"OK, movie ended. Let's go."

I stood up, speaking to her gently, worried that every single word I breathe out might just crush her, and kill her. She continued to sit in that position, looked at me with her beautiful eyes that just came back from a swim. After a while, she said,

"Slorr, the movie ended, but life goes on. Am I right?"

I nodded my head. But I just wished that somebody might give me some clue of what she was saying.
Finally we managed to leave Orchard Cineplex, and since it's still early, we decided to take a walk down the street. She was unusually quiet. So I guess Tye was right about the 'TITANIC FLU'; he said that gals often got very mentally distressed after that show, and it's the best time to launch an emotional attack on them. That's also why Tye has watched Titanic for over 5 times already.
Her eyes were focused on the path or the crowds but I know her mind was still left on the Titanic, sinking with her, waiting for somebody to pull her up. I just kept my mouth shut. I know I am not a good swimmer. We walked to Plaza Singapura. Suddenly she stopped in front of a Christian Dior counter.

"Slorr, have you read a novel called 'Fragrance'?"

"Err... Nope. Why do you ask?"

"Look at this 'DOLCE VITA' from Christian Dior. It's what the guy bought for his girlfriend in the story on her birthday. And he told her 'DOLCE VITA' is French, meaning 'SWEET TIMES'."

She pointed to a bottle of perfume at the counter, but I was more interested at the price tag around the neck of the bottle.

"Oh... Is it?"

"Slorr, do you consider today as 'sweet times'?"

"At first I do, but some points are deducted since you started crying."

"That means it can only be considered a little sweet, I'll buy the small bottle then."

I insisted to pay for the perfume as her birthday present from me since I know her birthday is coming, this kind of saves me a lot of trouble from finding a present for her. Luckily it's just perfume; I would have to pawn my underwear if that guy in the story gave his girlfriend diamonds or gold bars.

"Are you hungry? Wanna sit down and have something?"

"I have no appetite, what about you?"

"You eat, I eat..."

Her eyes are red again. I am such a fool. Finally we got away from the noisy crowd at the MRT station, walking on one of the streets of AMK Ave 6. Contrastingly, it's so quiet now that I can even hear the rhythm of her heartbeat.

"Slorr, do you know what the correct way of applying perfume is?"

I shook my head. In fact, I had never used perfume or cologne before, medicated oil maybe.

"First you apply some behind your ears, then you neck and wrists. After that spray some onto the air, then walk through it."

"Sure or not? In that case this little bottle won't even be able to last you for 3 days."

"Slorr, shall we try?"

"We? You go ahead. I am a MAN."

She opened up that DOLCE VITA, sprayed it behind her ears, neck, then the wrist, and she really did spray some into the air! WABIANGZ! Expensive leh! Finally she stretched out her hands, her head facing upwards, like enjoying raindrops falling on her face.

"Hahaha..."

"Slorr, this is so fun! Now it's your turn!"

She went through the same procedures with me and I can feel the coldness of her fingers. Maybe it's the perfume, I guess.

"Slorr, get ready, I am going to spray!"

I imitated her. Face up and walked through my first perfume rain.

"Slorr, let's have another round!"

"WHAT! Serious?"

My money isn't easy to come by leh! Before I can collect the broken pieces of my heart, she walked through her second round. She was even more excited this time, hoping around, like her nickname. A flying and dancing butterfly. The street at AMK smells unusually nicer now. We finished the whole bottle of that DOLCE VITA.

"DOLCE VITA is exhausted."

"I guess this sweet time shall end now too. Slorr, I'll go up now. Tonight 1 a.m., I won't be online, you are not to do so too."

"Huh? But why?"

"Go online at 12 p.m. tomorrow instead. You will know... Remember, only at 12 p.m..."

She turned and walked into the lift. At the that moment, I saw an obvious pink patch behind her neck, which is visible now because she tied her hair. I looked up towards her window on the 4th floor from below, but it never lit up.

I switched off the light in my room. Engulfed in absolute darkness, I wished to have the same feelings as her right now. I realised that when in complete darkness, the easiest mood one feels... is loneliness. She must be feeling lonely right now, half asleep.
I can almost see a beautiful butterfly, turning to ashes amidst the sea of flame. And that patch behind her neck... From pink it became red. Then burgundy. Slowly, it swallowed me. Is it the cause of that can of beer just now?
Suddenly I felt cold and shaky. And that coolness seemed to have come straight from my heart; the rate of my heartbeat was an exponential function of time as it got closer to 1 a.m.
USE A DIFFERENT NICKNAME!!!
Checked... She isn't there; my heart was beating fast. And the temperature remained below healthy level...
*****

Finally it's 12 p.m., excited as I was, I logged on the net, yet there was still no sign of FlyNDance. Only a mail from her:

Dear Slorr,
At first I thought it will be easier for me to settle down in the darkness... Recollecting memories we have shared... But all I felt was loneliness... Can you feel it too?
I still can't change the habit of logging on at 1 a.m. so I used a different nickname to sneak into AJCRR. You don't blame me right? =P You weren't there... Should I feel glad for your obedience? You said both of us belong to TYPE 2... The 'foolish' type... Maybe you are right... 'Cause I really do admire those who dare to fight for their desires... I stroke my hair gently when you said that I am leaving the world... And a few strands fell... No! Doctor told me it's not a terminal disease, and doctors aren't supposed to lie! I still can live like a normal person... BUT CAN I?
FlyNDance... Is it really something I won't be able to do? After the first meeting with you at Mac... I started to realize that you are not only a virtual being living in the cyberspace. In reality you are strong, gentle and sensitive. I can feel the defence wall around my heart slowly breaking down... I am defeated. I tied my hair today... 'Cause my friend told me that I look more attractive this way.
I want you to remember my face as it is today. 'Cause after today, everything may change... But why didn't you ask for my real name? That's why I never asked for yours...
I am a girl marh =P Do you realise how I wish to have something more than a nickname to take along with me? Slorr... Thank you for the DOLCE VITA. Finally got a taste of what sweet times are like... But I am really sorry.... I just couldn't bear to say goodbye...
Since it started from a mail, it should end with a mail too. It's been 3 months and 2 days since the very first mail. Not a very long time but it isn't short either. Our story began from me, and I will end it.
Maybe it's just like what you said, 'Internet is fast and convenient, but it isn't perfect'. I send you my thoughts right away... But not my tears... It's about 5.30 a.m. now, time to go... By the time you receive this mail, I will already be trying to settle down somewhere else. I don't know... Goodbye.
With lot's of love,
FlyNDance.

After a reading her email, I felt as if I had just experienced a roller-coaster ride which almost derailed. She had shown me the other side of her, soft and sensitive.
For the next couple of months, I tried to hypnotize myself, to suppress my feelings whenever I started to think about her again. Perpetually I was telling myself, she is just a virtual character that flies and dance in the net, but never in the real world. I became a fugitive, escaping from my PC, escaping from the Internet and anything that has to do with coffee. I hid myself behind the pile of lecture notes, behind the crowd of people, trying to get rid of this thought of missing something in my life.
But I failed. I found out that it's not that I don't miss her; it's just that I had forgotten the feelings that always comes along when you have something hanging in your mind all the time. It's not that I cannot breathe, it's just that I had forgotten the fact that I have been breathing for the past 19 years.
I can hold my breath for while, but not forever. I have to find her!

"Err... I am looking for... Er... FlyNDance..."

"HUH???"

'Huh'. This is the exact word I was expecting from her. She seems to be FlyNDance's elder sister, 20++, looked quite a beauty too even without makeup. But of course, she still can't be compared to her. I explained to her my purpose for knocking on the door and told her that I am not a stalker whom she might think I am.
Surprisingly when I told her my disgusting nickname, Slorr, she appeared to be rather excited and she quickly scribbled something on a small piece of paper and handed it to me.

"You should go and see her. SGH, Room 3-425."
*****

This is the first time I've ever stepped into the Singapore General Hospital. It's a dust-free space, everything looked clean, tidy and arranged. But I don't like the feeling it gave me. I entered room 3-425, and she as there, in a deep sleep. I stood by her, watching.
Her hair was still as long as before, lying across the soft, white pillow. Her face looked roundish now; I know it's the side-effects of the medicine. And the pinkish-red patch that was on her neck, had spread to her face appearing in a shape of a butterfly. Nevertheless, she was still the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. Her eyelashes twitched slightly; she must be dreaming, what's in her dream? McDonald's fries and coke? Sinking Titanic? Or the perfume rain at AMK Ave 6?
The room was getting darker as the clock approached 6 p.m. I wanted to switch on the light. I hate to see her lying alone under the shadow of a patient's room. But I am worried that her dreams might be disturbed by the sudden rays of light. While I was in a dilemma, her eyes opened slowly. Her eyes the came wide at me, and then she turned away quickly. I can only see her back at that moment. She has lost weight. After a long time, she turned to face me again, rubbed her eyes and smiled.

"Slorr, you are here!"

"Yes, nice weather today, isn't it?"

"Ya lor, sky aso very chio today, right? Hehee..."

SKY VERY CHIO.
I can still remember this was the conversation we had in one of our AJCRR meetings. But she didn't realise that it has been raining today.

"Slorr, why are you standing there? Sit down."

Thanks for reminding me. I just found out that my legs were numb due to the several hours of standing.

"Slorr, you've lost weight."

ME? I thought I should be the one who's telling this to her!

"Slorr, you hungry? Had your lunch? Food here isn't so good. That's why patients like me slim down a bit.

Apart from that, it's quite okay. But sometimes I feel really bored without a PC here to talk to you. Slorr, how's your mid-year? I'm sure did very well right?"

WAIT A MINUTE! You are the one who's lying on bed right now, not me! Yet, I had nothing to ask her actually, because I was there to see her, not to find out the answers to those questions. Maybe now it's time for me to utter some touching lines like what would be in the case of a movie.
But I am not a romantic person. Moreover...
Movies are fiction. Life isn't.
*****
I just wished that she could leave this place as soon as possible and go back to AMK Ave 6, back to ACJC, back to where she belonged. And I promise that she won't be alone anymore, because I will always be there.
After a while, her mum came to see her. She's around the age of 50, slightly overweight. Other than the cheerful smile, she didn't really remind me of FlyNDance.

"Err, I think I've got to go now. Bye bye auntie."

"You... You..."

She sat up straight in a sudden, like she'd experienced a tremendous shock.

"I'll be here again tomorrow... And the day after tomorrow... Until you leave this place."

Before I went back home, I went to Plaza Singapura again to buy that Christian Dior Dolce Vita. And I'd gotten the biggest bottle this time, that she can even swim in it. I try not to close my eyes that night, I want to go to her as soon as the first sun ray shoots into my room.

"Slorr... you are here... I've been waiting for you for a long time..."

"Had a good night's rest?"

"Oh... I didn't allow myself to fall into a deep sleep because I know you won't wake me up when you are here."

"Then you should take a rest now."

"Errr, since you are here already, I don't think I can..."

I gave her the Dolce Vita, and we'd agreed that we would dance in the perfume rain in front of SGH main entrance the day she's discharged. I dare not look straight at her, because there's a butterfly on her face. It was only last night before I left SGH that I found out she's suffering from an illness called ERYSIPELAS, what the some would term as the BUTTERFLY DISEASE. What I like is the coffee butterfly that is able to dance around freely, not that pinkish-red butterfly that has settled on her pale complexion. Besides, what's a butterfly if it can't fly?

"Slorr, why are you looking at me and not talking?"

I don't know, because I noticed that she's getting weaker physically. I had a bad feeling about this.

"Slorr, I am thirsty, can you get me a drink?"

I am not leaving her that moment. I can still remember a movie about this guy who went all the way to get red bean soup for his girlfriend who's on the sickbed only to come back finding her lying silently on the white bed sheet, never to wake up again...

"Are you trying to get rid of me, like what's in the movie?"

"Slorr, movie is movie, life is life..."

MOVIE? LIFE?

"But I thought you just had a drink? Anyway, so what can I get for you?"

"Ultimate Ice Blended!"
This is a hospital leh! Did she think I can find Coffee Bean everywhere on this island like McDonalds? What's more coffee wasn't suitable for her at that time.

"Err... Coffee isn't good for health, order something else, ok?

"So you know coffee isn't good for the body too. Then you should cut down on your intake also, ok?"

I saw a smile and there's a shine in her eyes. I realized that she's just trying to tell me not to drink too much coffee in the future.
My heart felt like it has suffered from a heavy blow. This is not good. A taste of pH7 started to fill my nose. If this is not going to stop, tears might be the next thing that appear in front of her. I recalled the chapter on reservoir and dam in my physics textbook. I quickly applied the knowledge on myself. Even if it's just a few droplets.

"Ok, I promise, I'll try my best."

"And try to sleep earlier in the future and don't skip breakfast. It's important for you and don't be too obsessed with blue. It makes you look troubled and....."

This didn't sound good. It's like giving final instructions before she... I can't bear to let her continue.

"Ok ok, I'll go get you a drink right away."

"Slorr, is the machine far away? If it is, then it's ok, I don't want it anymore."

From my mental calculation, men would take 67 steps while women would take 85 steps to reach the vending machine at that corner. Plus the time taken to purchase, an average person would take a total of 1.8 to 2.1 minutes. Not very far.

"Quite near."

"Slorr, come back quick. I don't want to be alone for too long... I hate that feeling..."

I didn't answer her. I just increased my pace...
*****
"Eh, it's late already. Go to sleep," my mum nagged at me again.

"Ok ok... 10 more minutes..."

By today, FlyNDance had left for more than 2 months. I still logged on at 1 a.m. every night, but onto channel DOLCE-VITA which was created by me, with Slorr and FlyNDance being the only 2 nicknames inside, for 10 minutes. Although she won't be able to fly and dance in real life anymore, but I still wish that she could continue to do so in the virtual world. Even Tye has given up on me...

"She's gone, why are you still doing this? For what?!"

Yet even if that's the case, I can't allow her soul to be left in the corner of loneliness, because she said she hated the feeling of being alone. I still remember there was a heavy downpour that day. When I reached SGH, they told me that a coffee butterfly flew away from her room at around 1 a.m. last night. After that, I can't remember... I just knew that I stood at the bus-stop for the whole day and I was all wet because of the rain.
I've been trying hard not to think of her over these 2 months. I've been hoping that her face won't appear in my mind every moment I breathe, but it's like hoping that the sky isn't blue; the grass isn't green; the stars do not twinkle at night. Basically, I was hoping for something impossible. I can't believe that I am of Type 2, even in real life.
Did I cry? NO WAY! I said it before, I am not a romantic person, and this may be due to the deficiency in the hormones that constitutes emotions. Whenever I had the feeling of pH7, I'll browse through those 'FWD: Jokes...' and my attention will then be shifted to those dim-witted, low-class jokes.
So now everything is back to the way it was before I met her 9 months ago. Tye is still flirting around, and I am still the old decent = dull me. But I've stopped taking coffee and beer.

"Xing ah, is this for you?"

My mum handed me a letter she picked up in the mailbox this morning. I was surprised when I saw 'To: Slorr' written on the envelope. That's for me I guess. I opened it, and there was a letter inside, and another coffee-coloured envelope.

Slorr,
I am FlyNDance's sister, I think this is how you are addressing her. I am sorry that I do not know your real name, although we'd met before. When I was packing her stuff a few days ago, I found this letter with your name and address written on it. So I posted it to you, because I believe this is what my sister intended to do.
Best wishes,
Xiao Wen.

The letter was sent 3 days ago, and there was another: 'To: Slorr' followed by my home address written on the coffee envelope. But the handwriting was a lot nicer and the words seemed to be moving swiftly, like in a joyful dance. I had no time to figure out how she had gotten my home address. Did I give it to her in one of my emails?
I tried to control my trembling hands, and slowly, I opened up the envelope. I found a photo, and half of a movie ticket inside. Apart from these, there was a blue letter, with the familiar DOLCE VITA smell on it. The photo showed her, standing on a piece of grassland, wearing the same coffee theme attire in our first meeting at McDonalds. Something was written at the back of it...

Dear Slorr,
Coffee represents Pisces... That's me. Blue represents Sagitarius... That's you. A blue letter inside a coffee envelope. Know what I mean? Seeing me, do you feel like drinking coffee now? Stop drooling! =P
FlyNDance.
I smiled, bitterly. The contents of the blue letter is simple:
If I had one more day to live, I want to be your girlfriend. Do I have one more day? No. Too bad. I can't be your girlfriend. Not in this life. If I have wings, I want to fly down from paradise just to see you. Do I have wings? No. Sadly. I can never see you again.
If all the water is drawn out of the bath-tub, it still can't put off the flame of love between us. Can all the water in a bath-tub be drawn off? Can. So yes. I LOVE YOU.
FlyNDance.

My chest was torn apart... Tears broke through the dam I constructed a long time ago in a jiffy. As proud, as emotionless as I was, I can't pull back the salty wetness that's on the my face anymore. She has changed my 'little theory' and gotten back what I'd owed her... Tears for 2 months...
*****
Titanic has won 11 awards in the Oscar, including best picture. Yet, Rose wasn't the best actress under that category. So if it's sad in a movie, it may not be so fortunate too in real life. And in reality, should Jack hold on to Rose and 'never let go'?
Maybe he shouldn't be worried about this. 'Cause that beautiful coffee butterfly will continue to fly and dance in his heart. Forever.


"Time is like a never-ending treat
You can't force it to stop
You can't force it to end
It will create never-ending stories
Stories that leave memories
Of pain and sorrows
Of joy and laughter
But some things are better
to be left as memories."