one of those not so good days

i wanna say something. im not sure what it is. i think its offensive. so i guess i wont say it. but u see, im not sure what i wanna say.

today was one of my not so good days. i just felt cranky for no apparent reason. i surmise its my insomnia last night. i didnt fall asleep till about 6am?

i wish i knew what i wanted. i mean exactly what i want. and not general goals such as to be successful, happy, rich...

i feel that sometimes i explain myself too much. which then leads me to do the opposite thing, which is to not explain my answers or actions at all. which isnt good either. like if someone asked me "do you like going to bookstores?" my answer would be "no". then i wouldnt explain further.

the normal conclusion that a person would draw from my answer is that i dont like reading. makes sense to draw that conclusion right?

but the reason i dont like going to bookstores is because i dont like that i cant buy books. i cant buy books because they are heavy to ship home. and i havent lived at home for 5 years, so thats 5 years that i've had to restrain myself. also i dont like not finishing books that i pick up. so im not the kind to go to a bookstore to just browse and read a chapter or two. so if i dont buy books or read at the bookstore, why then would i particularly like going to bookstores?

but explaining so much makes me feel defensive. which i am. and am trying to stop being.

so how le?