stay

everything was so perfect. now its like a dream dats shattering before me n i cant do anything to prevent the disaster. i feel so disappointed. so terribly extremely disappointed. there's a saying dat disappointment is a bitter pill... or is it failure? wadever...they're both bitter anyway. i also feel betrayed... i cant ask him to stay if there's better things ahead for him... its his future. i juz wish things wud be the way i envisioned it. i dunno wad i wan. i enrolled there to be in the same place as him. now he tells me he's goin sumwhere else to study. then wad about me? im gonna be alone. poor sad lonely friendless me. there's honestly noone i noe there. how cud he juz leave me there... but it'll be selfish to make him stay. his parents wan him to go coz he'll get a better education there. my parents cant afford to send me directly there. i'll have to do twinning. i wan him to stay. i wan him to rebel against his parents wishes. yes, i noe im selfish. but who isnt? y does he always have to obey them? cant he fight back? but i dun tink he will.... he's smarter than dat.... he noes its for his own good. argh! i noe its not his fault... will we still be together? if he leaves i tink we wont be able to defeat the distance. it'll be over. maybe it nvr even began. he doesnt believe in long distance relationships......... i dun tink i do either. i need presence, a physical being, not words or pics.

goin dutch

according to wikipedia: Going Dutch is a slang term that means that each person eating at a restaurant or paying admission for entertainment pays for himself or herself, rather than one person paying for everyone. It is also called Dutch date or Dutch treat.

smewlie n i have developed a version of going dutch. when the time comes to pay, we both pay but with varying amounts and the amout having nth to do with the amount we individually spent. haha... confused? im not good at explaining stuff... hehe. its sth like if the bill says $32.80 then he takes out a $50 n i produce $2.80. then he keeps the change. lol~ sounds unfair? sumtimes we reverse roles depending on who has what. i like to think of it as symbiosis. but sumhow i always get the feeling that he eventually ends up paying more on the long run... bluek!
i hereby resolve to start paying the big notes! hehe~

btw, im gonna post the prom pics as soon as i've uploaded everything. so far i've only got post prom pics so i wont be posting it up just yet.

smewlie

smewlie is back in kch... i've still got one more paper to go..accounts! i seriously tink the subject wud be way easier wif the rite teacher. but i've said dat b4. so nvm. i admit she's not 100% to blame for my results. its partly my fault for not having enuf patience wif her idoicy. so i conclude dat she is 90% to blame. anyway, she's not important to me. but smewlie is... n he's not here!!! wad a dumbbuttock!
he went back for his sis's wedding. then he was so bored, he kept msging me. lol~ i dunno when he's coming back. nor does he. but he's definitely coming back for prom tho. im so bored wif him not around... now there's noone to save me fron jo's nagging! haha... she's taken over my mum's role in nagging me to study. i noe she has good intentions... but im beter off left to my on devices. =p
*sigh* i miss my dumbbuttock. he was supposed to take me shopping... but dat'll have to wait until he's back. i gave him a bouquet of flowers the day b4 he left. they're now in my care. dumbbuttocks is supposed to be the one caring for them! rarw! haha... part of the reason i gave him flowers is to confirm if (as some say) guys relli like receiving flowers. apparently they dun. lol~ the tortoises r wif me too... his tortoise is evil! its so much bigger than mine! like twice its size. n to tink it used to be smaller! its been eating all my tortoise's food! humph! big bully!!!
on another note.... i cant wait till prom! its the day after my exams! i cant wait to see every1 all dressed up n having fun. i got myself a black dress. i relli wanted a white 1 tho... i juz love white dresses... they make 1 look so pure n nice... contrary to wad ppl say, i find dat its very flatttering... if the cutting is good dat is. but i looked n looked n i juz cudnt find the perfect white dress dat was within budget. so in the end i settled for a black 1. i bet most of the girls r gonna turn up in black too... *sigh* how commonplace. owh well... at least i tink my dress looks rather special. hehe~ if im not too lazy i'll post up some prom pics. i guess dats all for now...

lefties

if we use the opposite side of our brains to our hands, only left handers are in their right mind. =p
i read dat in the myc mag. hahaha... isnt word for word tho... i forgot the exact wording, but u catch my gist. ;)

sicko

there's this guy in my class who is seriously deprived. lets call him alvin. :) recently he's gone n gotten himself a gf. his 1st. they have only been together 3mths n he has begun to display some very disturbing signs.

1) he keeps talking about how he will be able to satisfy her in bed.
hello?? even if they were up to any extracurricullar activities, he doesnt have to broadcast it to the world! u see, the girl is better than him in many ways, most of them academic. so the other day when the other guys mentioned dat fact, he said at least he will be able to satisfy her in bed. u knot imagine how grossed out i was to hear dat. its not dat im squeamish around the topic of sex, its just... well lets juz say he ought to take a look in the mirror b4 he says dat.

2) he asked another fren if he knew wad a girls neck tasted like.
ok, maybe dats juz a regular guy to guy question, but somehow it sounds wrong. very wrong.

3) he asked me wad oral sex was.
wth!! as if he din noe! but i have a feeling he asked me dat on purpose coz every time he brings up implications of sex i get all disgusted. but its not the topic itself! its so the person! but u noe wad? it shows wad a twisted mind he has if he goes around asking girls questions like dat.

4) he described his "first wet kiss".
1st wet kiss... sounds kinda like slobbering all over each other.... -_- anyway, he described it as "delicious". ok now it sounds more like soup. lol~

5) he made crude actions
he sat in front of me in class today n dis is wad he did unconsciously: he curled his fist leaving an opening and he pushed a pen in n out of dat opening.


i'll let u guys be the judge of exactly how sick n wacked he is.

^-^

whew... i do rant alot dont i... anyways juz to let ya all noe, im not pissed at him anymo. it was my fault as much as his and i take many of my words back. =) trials are coming up... nxt fri. as usual i havent started studying. but who's surprised. lol~ i was gonna study math and econs dis week...but its already thurs n i havent started a thing. owh well.... i still dun feel kin teo. but by the time i do it'll be too late... arghhh dun care! bluek! i'll enjoy life for now.

pissed, angry, upset

i tried to nap juz now... i failed miserably. sth happened dis afternoon and it relli affected me until now. for the first time in a long, long time, i blew my top at sum1 in a confrontational manner.
the person who had the honour making me of do that was alvin. the freak in my class that is obsessed wif aliens, religion and the paranormal. i hate him. it surprises me how much i hate him. i go hot and cold wif hate when i tink of his attitude.
i went to play dota wif my other classmates who also played or were interested in playing dota. among them was the afore mentioned alvin. have i mentioned how much i hate him? anyway, we were in the same team (eventho i heavily protested) so there i was, innocently playing... when the screen suddenly flashed with ppl chatting. usually i ignore it but sth caught my eye.
it was sth like dis...
alvin: my group member all lousy..
alvin: all feeders only
alvin: im the only 1 in my team that noes how to play
alvin: brandon.. not balance la
alvin: my team all noob
alvin: brandon we same group?
on and on and on about how his group members sucked and how much he wanted to be in brandon's team. arghhhh! does he tink dat he can suck up to bran by dissing his group members or sth? it was annoying to the max! and i am not a noob! i started playing last yr and altho im not a pro or even close, i do noe my way around! i juz rarely play it coz it gets rather boring after awhile (especially if ure not particularly talented in it) besides, he has no call to insult us like dat rite in front of our faces! if he was of any better character, he wud have concentrated on team work and protecting the weaker members of his team rather than juz whining. maybe im to used to playing wif gentlemen who noe to juz leave me alone n let me farm when i play. but from my experience, he is no way close to being a gentleman. his wannabe-ness is pathetic. anyway, his whining went on for a long time despite others telling him to stop and when i finally had enuf of his whinging and whining, i snapped and asked him to "shut the fuck up!"
to make matters clear, those close to me can attest to the fact that i rarely curse and especially not the *f* word so dat was a measure of how pissed i was. at first i was startled by my boldness in letting my thoughts take physical form but his reply cut off any apologies i mite have wanted to make. he called me a bitch. i mean the nerve of the guy! we were juz there to play a frenly game of dota and he ruined all the sense of fun. after dat i was to upset to play properly. im normally a quiet person, but i dun allow ppl to so blatantly be rude. i admit "shut the f*** up is not exactly polite either but it was his fault 'beyond reasonable doubt'. (hehe...a term in legals) and he din see his mistake after my not so subtle admonishment, he even dared to retaliate. there is sth seriously wrong wif his morals. he wasnt brought up to be any sort of gentleman at all. that barbaric $#%#$%^#$%&%^&!!!!
ok, maybe im exagerating a little. but im not one of those girls that use foul words on a regular basis and neither do my frens. so being called a bitch is a big thing and i kinda take it literally.(not the female dog literal la, but the bitchy vindictive bimbo kind of bitch) arghhhhh! i juz hate him so much rite now! his attitude stinks to high heaven! im usually happy and carefree and let ppl take abit of an advantage over me, but this is too much! this means war! (dramatic music wif drums beating) hahahaha no la, but i noe my opinion of him will be forever no higher than my opinion of able-bodied beggars. and that is VERY low.

=)

i juz read my last blog n realised how sum ppl wud misunderstand the person im talking about to be charles. so to clarify, the person i was writing about was SO NOT charles.
i wrote that b4 i even started having feelings for my best fren. and since we're on the subject of clarifying matters, i'd like to rant a bit.

in the beginning of dis yr, kiong introed us(my hsemates n i) to his roommate and somehow charles n i became best frens. at dat time he had a gf n i wasnt totally over getting dumped by sum1 who din even qualify to be wif me in the 1st place. anyway, since i was single n i always hung out wif him, i suppose it wud have been easy for certain parties to tink dat i was trying to pikat him. but i din relli care since we both knew we were juz frens. but i guess over time, feelings developed n he n his ex eventually fell out (their break up had nth to do wif me at all, langsung tidak berkaitan) and awhile ltr, we got together.
it all seemed so natural. i mean we hung out all the time anyway, and our being together was like a natural progression. i mean, its so great to be together wif ur best fren. its like we noe each others quirks already and personality too. the best thing is dat while other gals always get into a frenzy when they go to meet their bfs, eg. make an extra effort in dolling up, i dun even brush my hair or wear nice clothes when i see him. i juz wear my buruk home clothes. haha... i mean we've already seen each other at our worst b4 we got together, so we can be totally comfortable around each other and be our wierd selves. lol~

owh yea, if ure wondering y i was ranting in the beginning, its coz sum ppl were in the impression dat i stole charles away from his gf, which i so din. i juz feel so annoyed dat they dun even noe the real story abd yet they wanna judge. owh well, dats life. haha... im happy wif him and dats all dat matters for now.

oh boy..

y is it dat its always problematic guys dat r attracted to me??
y cant nice decent guys dat r on good terms wif their family be attracted to me??
my ex was a mess... now dis new so called admirer is like dat too... i mean like wad? do i emit sum wierdo vibe or sth?? im not like them at all! im a family lover! we have nth in common! cant they see dat?? n they're vain n narcissictic....vanity i understand, but going over the top, i dont.
i cant help comparing dis new guy to my ex... i mean talk about coincidence!

i met ex thru a close fren at sch
i met new thru a close fren in college

ex is vain
new is vain

ex liked me 1st
new likes me

had no interest in ex in the beginning
have no interest in new now

ex hates his family
new hates his family

ex is not generally liked by ppl
new is not generally liked by ppl

ex has nth in common wif me
new has nth in common wif me

ex met me once n was attracted already
new met me only once so far

sed i wud nvr be wif ex
saying i'll nvr be wif new

liked the attention from ex
liking the attention from new

ex was playboy
pretty sure new is playboy too

ex imposes his personality on others
new imposes his personality on others

fren dat i met ex thru din approve of ex
fren dat i met new thru doesnt approve of new

ex moved fast
new moving fast

ex stubborn
new stubborn

me: so dead

i relli hope the same thing doesnt happen again!
i mean i was so sure i wasnt gonna be wif ex, then.. i dunno wad happened! he's so totally not my type! i guess it was the 1st time i received such attention b4 n i was very flattered n touched... so i went on wif it...now i tink new is gonna make me feel touched too. dats like so not fair la! its like i relent easily n dats my weak point n they both so totally attack my weak point relentlessly.
i dun wan dis to be a repeat of last time but i feel too weak to resist the niceness of the attention.
u noe dat all girls love positive attention? im no exception there! hahah n i cant resist smiling back or leading the person on to prolong the attention...i noe its bad, i told ex dat i din wanna lead him on (b4 we got together) but he asked if we cud cont. sms-ing n i gave in...blarghhh talk about low self-control! lol i soo noe its gonna happen again. i hope i can be strong dis time n resist coz i'll only get hurt in the end.
man... i sound so perasan! lol! no la, no ego-ism intended. i mean im not even like sum ppl who r so hot n every1 tinks so n so many guys r after. im juz a regular girl dat sumhow only seems to attract problematic guys. *sigh* im so so screwed.

depressed

i feel so depressed.... ive been flunking in maths and i totally dun understand a thing!!! we had directed investigation today. its group work n its meant to pull up the marks of the lousier students like me. but the week b4 i leant my graphic calculator to my frn n she din bring it today....so i totally cudnt do anything coz the calculator was needed for all the questions. then since she din bring her own calculator either, she borrowed the teachers calculator so i was the only 1 in class wifout a calc. sigh... its not relli fair is it? i mean she shud at least have the conscience to let me use teachers since she was the 1 at fault.
i dun even tink she realised how unfair it was of her.... teacher realised wad happened after class n sed i shud talk to her but.... sigh...i dunno la... i dun like confrontations. i wish i were the old bitchier me. then i'd give her a run for her money! arghhhh..... i wan the old me back!!
tml i have directed investigation again, i hope i rmbr to borrow a calc from my frens n i hope they dun need it when i do.
whatsmore i totally wasted last weekend! i wish there was sumway for me to feel rajin n motivated. nowadays i juz feel so LAZY!!! i have no mood to study at all! i guess its my own fault...i memang very 'tham wan'(playful) . i have to buck up! but so far ive only been saying it.... no action done. i used to tink i was totally unaffected by moving here, but i guess im more affected than i tink. its true wad they say: its the ones dat always seem happy dat r relli sad inside.
im sick n tired of those ppl dat always complain about their problems to me, expecting me to pity them n understand them, but when i t comes to MY problems, they dun even wanna hear it at all! i understand that their problems may be bigger or whatever, but it doesnt make my life and problems any less significant to me. their problems matter hugely to them, cant they see mine matter hugely to me too! y i s every1 so selfish... im not saying im not selfish, but there are LIMITS! even my ex was like dat! argh... tinking of him makes my blood boil!
i cant wait till SAM is over... i mean i like the ppl n the living atmosphere, but the workload n common tests r driving a lazy person like me crazy!! summore there not even enuf eng taus here to soothe my eyes after stressing. lol.... back to my old humour. i used to tink taylors was full of eng taus n leng luis... there r a few... but not enuf! hahahah....
i guess dats all for now. thank god teacher is allowing us to cont our DI tml or i'd be so screwed for math n all my team members wud blame me!

reopening

after not posting anything for soo long i wonder if any1 still rmbrs the existence of dis blog. hehe
well...im in college now! i feel so old... im a college girl! dat sounds so...i dunno... not rite. hahaha i guess im still not used to it.
omg....i got straight a's for my spm! goodness noes how i managed dat... in sum ways i noe i deserved it, but when i tink of all those ppl dat studied so much harder than me but din get it, i feel like such a fraud...:(
lets see... wad did i do during spm study leave:
had my 1st boyfren....pak tho-ed alot,read robert jordan, slept, read blogs, chatted on9, watched tv, watched alot of movies, sms, tink about vacation to aussie, watched naruto episodes....and owh yea, study.
i went to collect my results prepared for the worst...owh yea, did i mention dat i hadnt finished memorizing the moral nilais by the time spm came? haha
anyway... i was like expecting loads of b's n even c for moral. so when i got straight a's i felt... dissapointed? like i was juz lucky, i din deserve it, i was a fraud... i even worried dat i wud have to do as well in the future! i guess dats y i wasnt as overjoyed as i was supposed to be. but i got wad i got n dats the end of it. i guess i AM smart afterall. big deal.... im failing in college...
out of 5 subjects i failed 3! arghhhh i sooo have to work harder.
summore wif a bastard out of my system, im determined to do better. so i will kambate! hahah
i tink i'll blog out my love life when i have time....juz for remembrance... he was a jerk. but 1st love is like they say, the hardest to get over. so remember girls, dun be wif sum1 juz coz they love u, u have to love them juz as much. and u deserve to be choosy for whom to give ur love to. sumtimes, they juz dun deserve it! =p